Fog area

It feels like walking in a large fog area. There are all sorts of things in the fog I can’t really see clearly, things that represent my conditioning. Thoughts that say I should do this and that and I should be so and so and that isn’t good enough and that should be different.

I’m just walking around in the fog, with sight less than two feet, enjoying it. It’s okay to be there. There is a thing besides me now that’s saying we should find a way out of here, into clarity. Another thing is telling me I shouldn’t write this, it’s too hazy. And why should I share this?

I encounter something. I give it a big hug and let it speak if it wants to. It wants to lean against me for a while. That’s totally okay. It doesn’t want me to go too hearty, spiritual, transformational. It will look stupid and it’s not you. That what the thing is telling me. It feels held back. I respond with: I won’t hold you back. You can say whatever you want to. I love all of it.

We have a conversation

+ Hi! You are great.
– Hi.
+ How are you feeling right now?
– Bored, frustrated, I can’t do what I want to, so I do nothing.
+ What what is the thing you want to do?
– It doesn’t matter.
+ To me it matters a lot. So, if you want to tell me, I would really love to hear it.
– I would like to tell people about living from the heart, giving their honest self, feeling from the inside they’re totally enough. But most of the time, I don’t feel that way. I’m not the one to tell them about that, even though I want to.
+ I love that!
– You do? But I can’t tell them. Because I’m not good enough and because people will think I’m full of spiritual shit and because often I can’t really, perfectly, live from the heart myself and feel enough.
+ You can, you’re doing it right now.
– What about the opinion of others? I don’t want to defend myself and I don’t want to get hurt. I am scared.
+ It’s so wonderful you’re telling me all this. I love it. You don’t have to defend yourself, did you know that?
– But I don’t want to be confronted with people not agreeing with what I’m encouraging people to do. Or even think the fact that I’m encouraging is stupid. I want to give up when I think about that.
+ That’s beautiful.
– …… No one will read this. Why aren’t you just writing this down in your journal?
+ I don’t know. I felt like typing it here. You know what? I don’t write it here for people to read it. I only type it here is because I had the urge. It’s not an ego urge, but an urge from me, your heart. And maybe this post is just the thing someone needed to read today. You never know.
– Okay.
+ Would you like to tell me more about feeling scared and wanting to give up?
– I also have this urge, like you had with typing in this blog post, but I don’t feel backed up. It feels like walking to a fighting army of women and men, on my own, almost naked, with only a fork to defend myself. I’m not going on with that. I am making a turn. If they don’t want to embrace my encouragement, they aren’t going to get it. That urge in me will feel sad though.
+ Your beautiful description is like a movie! It’s exciting. It makes me curious how the rest will go.
– I cancelled the movie while making it.
+ Can you pretend you finished it?
– Hmmmm, okay. But let’s not publish this talk.
+ We will decide after we finished, okay?
– Fine.
+ How does the rest of this movie go? I would love to know.
– Hmmmm…. I don’t know.
+ How do you feel right now?
– Vulnerable. I am scared you will publish this and that army will come after me anyway, that you’ll finish the movie for me even when I didn’t want you to do so.
+ I don’t do anything you don’t want me to do.
– This talk is getting quite long. People won’t read it.
+ That’s okay.
– Let’s just forget about me wanting to encourage people to follow their hearts.
+ Do you want to forget about it?
– I don’t and I do.
+ With that in mind, what would happen when you’re standing there in front of that army, holding a fork?
– I would pull out my white flag. Let them know I’m not here to fight. I’m not their opponent. I’m neutral, but with something to tell them. I would say I don’t now how to tell them, but I do have this urge to encourage them all to listen to their hearts and follow it. And I would feel very stupid telling this to an army. But they would be listening. Some of them will drop their weapons. Others will walk away, thinking I’m totally nuts, like someone from a Monty Python movie. I actually do feel like one of those really weird, but very funny figures. I followed my urge and now I feel a bit like dancing a weird dance.
+ Wow. I really enjoyed that movie! And I love the dance in the end!! Thank you so much for sharing it with me.
– Why does that urge of yours wants to publish this?
+ It doesn’t tell on the package. I don’t know. How do you feel about it now? Do you want it laying around for everyone to see if they feel the urge to pick it up?
– What if someone picks it up just to hold it against me?+ That happened to you before.
– Yes. I don’t want it to happen again.
+ Did you shut down after that?
– Yes.
+ Were did your urges to encourage people go?
– They stayed. I didn’t pay a lot of attention to them. They felt stupid. I felt stupid. I feel stupid right now.
+ Do you agree your encouragement is stupid?
– No.
+ What if someone else was having the same urge and presented it to you. Would you think they are stupid?
– I feel like you’re trying to convince me.
+ There’s no right and wrong. I’m just asking questions so we know the truth.
– Okay then. I would love them for it.
+ Wow! What would happen if the person next to you tells them they’re stupid?
– It would be fine. It could even be interesting.
– Thank you.

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